Over the years everyone has seen their share of office flings and true romances. Many have happy endings with the couple getting married and living happily ever after, while some have other memorable moments.
According to a recent study that was detailed in the Telegraph, over 40% of office workers have had intimate relations with a co-worker. The issue for productivity is that sometimes they take a long time to initiate “contact”. An office worker will spent an estimated 600 hours gazing at their crush at work. That is almost 4 months wasted in an average corporation (or one month of time in an average start-up)!
Here are the top office romance “moments” I have witnessed. I have changed the names to protect the partying parties.
6. Rock and Roll in the parking lot
When I worked at a company that had a large parking lot, the expanse of lined pavement became a lunch time “play” ground. At our company it was fairly well known that certain vans would have parties during lunch hours. It was not unusual to walk to a local deli though our parking lot and see several vehicles having their suspensions tested. If the van was a rockin, we didn’t come a knocking.
5. Flash Technology
One company I worked for had a front desk receptionist who was well endowed, blonde and bubbly. I am sure she could also type and answer the phone, although that was just a rumor. She was a true company asset.
She greeted guests with a big smile and they immediately felt good about our products and services. It did not take long for many of the red blooded single guys to compete for her attentions. She would repay their attentions by flashing them – Mardi Gras – style, as they walked into the office.
Evidently this flashing practice went on for quite some time.
Being an uninterested, happily married guy, I was not treated to the show.
(That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)
One day she flashed one of her admirer’s just as the CEO walked in the door.
Two minutes later, she and her assets walked out the door for the last time.
4. Hello Boss, got a minute?
One day I walked into my boss’ office (after knocking, of course). He had a large executive office with nice furniture.
My happily married boss was sitting at his desk with a bemused expression on his face.
We had about a 5 minute conversation on an important project. He was unusually agreeable to every one of my suggestions and did not engage in his normal point-by-point debate. I was feeling good and thought my superior powers of persuasion were at work.
As I left the office, I saw two nylon clad legs belonging to our shared secretary, sticking out from under the desk. I assumed that it was not her new dictation technique.
This little episode was never spoken about and it was just like it never happened, except it did.
3. Stirring the Paint
We had just leased a new office and we decided it needed a new fresh of paint before we moved in. Being frugal, we hired a low bid painting company.
The painting seemed to be taking a long time so I decided to visit the new office and check up on the painters.
As I rode up to our office in the elevator, the smell of paint got heavier, a good sign.
Ding! The elevator doors opened and there were our two painters!
The husband and wife team were having their own version of a break on two desks in the new Marketing area.
This image will haunt me forever.
I made sure that all meetings with Marketing took place in another area of the office.
2. Memories, Nothing but Memories…
Back when digital cameras still cost a lot, our company bought one that was used for marketing events. It was not unusual for employees to borrow our camera over a weekend for a party or other uses.
(Can you see where this is leading?)
So, when “Bob” asked our marketing associate to borrow the camera for a weekend, there was no problem. On Monday morning he returned it to the marketing associate who signed it back into her department.
Being a good , conscientious employee, she noticed that he had not erased the entire memory card. The camera was needed that afternoon for a shoot and she was rightfully concerned that “Bob’s” pictures would be overwritten and lost.
Rather than just erase the memory, she decided to upload the files to a shared company server. She never looked at the pictures, why should she?
I am sure you can use your imagination on this one….
The uploaded pictures were, of course, of “Bob” and another very “close” friend who also worked in our office. For some reason, our IT department had a technical glitch and it took them over an hour to remove them from the server once the true nature of the photos was revealed.
And now the top story, drum roll please!
The previous stories did not produce a lasting relationship worthy of Valentine’s Day.
My top pick for office Cupid has the necessary happy ending.
1. We need to talk, like right now!
One morning as I walked into our office, my HR manager, we can call her “Lynn”, came running into my office with a very serious expression and said she needed to meet with me, in private, now!
For those of you who have never managed a company, when your HR manager does this, it is never a good thing.
My thoughts raced between:
“Who is quitting?”,
“Who is threatening to quit?”,
“Who is not getting along with their peers?”,
“Was there a physical or verbal assault?”,
“Did someone harass someone?”,
“Are we being sued?”,
“Does someone have a drug issue?”,
“Did someone steal from the company?” ,
“Did someone die?”,
“Did the Rangers win last night?”
I am figuring that my best possible outcome from this meeting would be to directly manage a lengthly, awkward and painful intervention on any one of the above situations or some other equally “enjoyable” event.
As we walked towards a conference room, one of my software engineers (lets call him “Dave”, got up and followed us. Two employees, one an HR manager, urgently needing to see me as soon as I walked into the office spelled trouble, big time.
We got into the the room, closed the door and sat and stared at each other for a moment. “Lynn” started by clearing her throat and said, “We are getting married”
Relief was quickly followed by utter confusion. “Who is getting married?”
Lynn answered, “We are”. “Who?”, “Us”, “Us who?”, “We who!” , “huh?, You who?”, “Yes Absolutely!”, “Absolutely?”, “Yes!”, “Absolutely? Yes we who married you two who?”, “Yes Absolutely!”
Abbot and Costello would be proud. The “us” of the “who” were Lynn and Dave.
I then said, “What?, no… you’re not, what’s really going on?, am I on a camera?, Is this that punked TV show?”
They told me that that had been dating for many months and had decided to get married. They wanted to tell me in case it caused an issue with company policy, because Lynn managed HR. I had no idea that they were dating, why should I? They were really engaged and had also decided to have a little fun at my expense. I am a good sport about such things.
If this story had just ended here it would have made the list. What happens next makes this a clear number winner.
At the time of Lynn and Dave’s engagement we were a subsidiary of a larger European company. My experience with American based companies would have suggested that one of the lovebirds would have to organizational separate themselves from the other. Since we had a small company, this separation was virtually impossible and would eventually lead to one of them leaving the company. This was the outcome that the happy couple expected.
I spoke to the HR guy at our home European office and explained my morning meeting.
In Europe things are different. To be fair, I would call their policy “laissez-faire”
His reaction was for me to congratulate them, wish them the best, and remind them not to talk confidential business at home. Starting a marriage by keeping secrets from each other, what a great idea!
He told me that this sort of thing happens all the time in Europe and we Americans should not be so repressed and hung up on such affairs of the heart.
Now it was my turn to have a little fun with a meeting.
Later that same day I called Lynn and Dave back into the conference room. I had my best poker face going. We stared, the silence grew, I sighed.
“Well, I had a long talk with Corporate HR on your engagement….”
more silence, more sighs.
“They have a definite point of view on this sort of thing”
Tension building
“While it is not quite in their vocabulary, with all the language and cultural differences… what they told me to tell you was, however, completely unambiguous…..”
more silence, serious eye contact…..
“The way I would interpret their message is like this…”
“The word I’m looking for is…..”
“Mazel-Tov!”
They did get married and at last report are on a happily ever after road.
Happy Valentines Day!
Authors Note:
Next week’s DotMania will be about a trip on a corporate jet. Not as glamorous as you might expect!
4 Comments
February 14, 2009 at 9:40 am
let it never be said that HR can’t keep something confidential.
dave: “we’re getting married”.
silence.
lynn: “to each other”.
silence. nervous lol’ing.
dave: “seriously”.
lynn: “spence? spencer?”
spencer: “am I on TV? Is Ashton Kutcher here?”
lynn: “yes?”
dave: “so…. does this mean we’re not fired?”
maybe one of our top office moments.
sincerely,
“lynn”
February 14, 2009 at 12:09 pm
and they live happily ever after………..
February 19, 2009 at 8:43 pm
that is hilarious! man, you’ve had some doozies — those employee stories are too much! but, ah yes, that happy ending one is the best of all …
February 19, 2009 at 8:46 pm
glad u liked. now i need additional ideas for future volumes from my “loyal” readers…